Chicken Legs

Day 21.

Today is day 21 without social media (7/5/2020).

Each Ash Wednesday I wince at the idea of giving up social media for 40 days.  It boils down to FOMO.  Or maybe FOBB - fear of being bored.

But here we are on Day 21 of a 21 day fast. And I don’t think I want to download the apps again...but I most likely did if you’re reading this...to promote this blog.

Twenty-one days ago, I got totally annoyed.  I got annoyed with others’ opinions...well rather how they chose to voice them.  I got annoyed with the my-way or the highway mentality.  I got annoyed with the fake paradises we all try to promote on Instagram.  I got annoyed with the unfiltered perspectives on Twitter - that wouldn’t dare be spoken in real life.  I got annoyed with the political propaganda on Facebook - because that is how you get someone to vote for “your person.”

The world right now is crazy and overstimulating….and I decided that social media wasn’t changing any of those things.  So I stepped away.

But this blog isn’t about why I want to walk away from social media.  This blog is about what happened while I walked away.

When I chose to walk away...God moved in my life.

I struggle with rumination.  And I found God at my art table ready to tackle my rumination.  I found God in imagery through art and poetry.  I found God in scribbled down thoughts and doodles.

I knew that when I stepped away God would move...maybe even more than before this fast.  I knew that fasting is important to returning focus to God in Christian history.  But I didn’t know how He would move.

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My therapist and I have been working through some rumination exercises.  I worked through everything one evening, but it wouldn’t stop.  The cycle of repetition kept spinning in my brain.  I tried everything - yard work, walking, music.  But it wouldn’t stop.

Then in my distress, I broke down.  I cried (and admittedly whined) about what was going on in my brain.  I couldn’t make it stop.  But there was one place I hadn’t gone...my studio.  My studio has a computer, instruments, and an art table - it’s my creative space.

When I walked to the top of the stairs and slumped into the chair at my art table, I thought I tried everything.  Except I didn’t try the things that my anxiety told me wouldn’t help.  And in that moment I recognized my anxiety for what it was….a liar.

It wasn’t the first time my anxiety lied to me.  Over and over again, anxiety has told me that exercising doesn’t help, music wouldn’t help, and friends couldn’t help.

I was reminded of the concept of neural pathways.  In the least scientific terms, these pathways in our brains are what create things like beliefs.  [If you want to learn more, look up cognitive biases...if you don’t, just look at this image to help you visualize the concept].  Neural pathways take a deeper root - stronger belief - when a message is repeated over time.

I thought about all the lies repeated over the years by anxiety. What I realized was that anxiety has controlled most of my neural pathways. And the messages it was repeating were lies.  And those lies have a deep root in my mind.

I was frustrated...why were these things still a problem after treating my anxiety for nearly two years? Then it hit me.  My anxiety spoke these messages into my brain for 25 years.  Two years wasn’t going to erase those neural pathways.  In fact, you can’t erase neural pathways.  You have to create new neural pathways.  You have to strengthen those new messages to create stronger beliefs.

It’s like a muscle. You know those guys in the gym with big wide shoulders and tree trunk necks. But you walk around to get a paper towel to wipe your machine and see they have little chicken legs. As a teen the kid probably ran around.  He had strong legs, but then wanted to look “swole.” So he stopped running and started bench pressing to impress the ladies.

When I go to the gym, I’m conscious of working my whole body and not turning out like “chicken legs.”  But when it comes to my brain, that’s exactly who I need to be.

I know...weird analogy, but stay with me.I need to work my “chest and shoulders.”

So I sat at my art table and sketched out a crude image of what scientists say neural pathways look like with long sketchy lines.  In the center, I added my own addition - a black hole.  I wrote out the lies anxiety has told me in the branches - the things that control my neural pathways.

The thought of combating all of those lies was overwhelming.  But I realized it was 25 years of lies.  I couldn’t fight them all at once and over night, but I could pick a few new pathways to create and strengthen them over time.

With a green pen (a color that is part of an image my therapist has me work through), I drew a very clean neural pathway. The lines were crisp and smooth.  The center was clear. I made 12 spaces to write in.  In those spaces I wrote 12 truths I wanted to start with.  They were just the first things that came to mind (nothing really thought out). And I made them sentences in my journal.

I am capable.

I am LOVED.

I am intelligent.

I am caring.

I am cautious.

I am detail-oriented.

I am loyal.

I am steady.

I am consistent.

I am purposeful.

I have a purpose.

I am chosen.

Neural pathways don’t form after a cute art activity.  They form over time, after much repetition.  So each morning I write these sentences before I do anything else. I read them to myself after work and before bed.  I read them over and over when the rumination starts.

I won’t overcome the lies overnight. But overtime I believe I’ll become more “chicken legs” from my gym - having broad shoulders (strong belief in the truth) with scrawny legs (weak belief in the lies).

What are the lies your anxiety (or depression, shame, grief, etc.) are telling you? What are the false messages your anxiety (or depression, shame, grief, etc.) has repeated to establish its own neural pathways? What truths do you need to start with to create stronger neural pathways [to defeat the lies]?