My Anxiety Story
“I’d like to talk about the test we gave you this morning. You did not score very well.”
I stared at my doctor. I knew I wouldn’t score well, but I honestly didn’t know what that meant. Have I lost it? Am I being dramatic? Do I need to quit my job? What about the other areas in my life that cause me to feel this way? Would it be better for me to be a hermit?
There it was again….that weight on my chest, the nausea, the walls closing it.
As I re-focused she said, “You have severe anxiety. It’s simply a mental disorder due to an imbalance in the brain….” She trailed off to talk about chemicals and genetics.
DISORDER - exactly what I am feeling.
———————————————
It’s only been a few weeks since I got a name for a lifetime of feelings - anxiety. I want to take time on my blog to talk about my anxiety throughout the year, throughout this fight. I want to talk about stumbling points and victories. I want to share my journey and hear about others’ journeys.
A Lifetime of Worry||
I’m not sure how to explain what life has felt like for 25 years. It was like that feeling of someone jumping out and scaring you over and over and over again. It happened before big events. It happened on the drive to my parents house (something familiar). It happened in the shower or after I’ve been in bed. I haven’t slept through the night in about 15 years.
What I didn’t know that this wasn’t normal. What I didn’t know is that these things were inhibiting everyday life.
As I read back in my journals, I watch these things take complete control over my life in the past months, almost year. I wrote things like:
“I don’t want to go through this again..I see it looming over me like a rain cloud. I’m just waiting for it to burst.”
“They’re back...the anxiety attacks. I’m so overwhelmed that all I do is cry, but I’m not sure why I’m so overwhelmed.”
“And why does it feel like a desert? Why does it feel hot and dry? Why am I in survival mode? Why do I cry, as if I’m not going to make it?”
“I feel like I’m drowning...I’m running and being fueled by my emotions….I’m constantly distracted by my emotions. I go down this anxious road of ‘what ifs.’ I feel the panic attacks just sitting and waiting. I feel like I have a brick on my chest and stomach. I feel weighed down.”
A World of New Feelings||
Within hours of leaving the doctor’s office with anti-anxiety medicine, I felt the world around me change. Or in reality, I felt my feelings and perspective change. Where there was fear and worry, then there is suddenly something else. Or in reality a bunch of “something’s.” Instead of the three feelings I felt my entire life - fear, worry, and sometimes joy - I am feeling a world of feelings.
I find myself bracing myself for the kick in the gut as I get in my car or walk into a room of people. But it doesn’t come.
I FINALLY am sleeping through the night AND because of that, I am having dreams!
A Fight for My Mind||
My future looks so much different.
On one hand it is brighter. My view of my future looks happier and calmer than it ever has. I see the “what if’s” in terms of “what if this works out?” or “what if this turns out better than I ever dreamed?” instead of “what if this doesn’t work?” and then the downward spiral of “what if’s.”
On the other hand I see the battle ahead. Before my thoughts put a lens that made my future seem like a pitch black room. I knew I had to fight, but I didn’t know what I was fighting. I couldn’t see what I has fighting, so I was just swinging and missing and getting hit by “it.” Defining “it” as an “anxiety disorder” has made the battle clear. It’s hung a light in the room. It’s exposed the mess in the room. It shows the bruises on my skin from the constant fight.
The light brings choices - I can hide in the corner, ignore the mess, and whimper over my wounds, or I can fight, clean up the mess, and tend to my scars.
I wrote this in my journal the morning after my doctor's appointment. It’s my battle declaration:
365 times - “Do not be afraid”
“Be anxious for nothing.
“Do not have spirit of fear.”
Yet, I have a disorder named “Anxiety.”
I feel indifferent - happy my “it” has a name, sad “it” isn’t how God intended me to be designed.
Yet, I feel like myself. I’m a new self I’ve never been, though. A self that doesn’t feel every little thing. A self that looks stress in the eyes and says, “I got this; you’re mine.” A self that feels joy - I mean actually feels joy. A self that sleeps...through the night! A self that got healthy amounts of sleep - not too much and not too little.
I still hate this thing - anxiety. I hate “it.” I hate that it took 25 years from me. I hate that it took my energy in comfortable situations and relationships and sucked my energy in difficult ones. I hate that it told me lies about myself and others.
But we move forward and we fight.
We fight WITH God.
We fight everyday, as long as we have breath. Because as long as we have breath, we are alive. Because as long as we have breath, we aren’t dead yet. And that means we FIGHT this (even if we need to me medicated to do so).
