Messy Middles
If you ask me about work today, I would talk about my company with pride. I’d talk about the work we do and the work I specifically get to do with a smile on my face. I’d talk about the future as something so bright. But that wasn’t always the case.
There were days that work was a place I dreaded. There was a season where I believed that I was destined for failure. There was even a time I questioned if my passion for the built environment was just a facade and not really something deep in my soul.
During that time there was a coworker in the same position. His circumstances were not too much different than my own. His world and his project were burning down around him. But this man showed up every day with a smile on his face. He continued to shine joy around him.
I know what he believes and know he has deep chara joy from Jesus. But so did I and I wasn’t walking around emanating that joy. It was weird and confusing quite frankly.
There is an Old Testament story that I read recently but truly digested it for the first time. This story has a lot of words to it and it might seem a little much, but stick with me here.
1 There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. 2 He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none.
3 Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the Lord.4 Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. 5 But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb.6 Because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. 8 Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”
Have you ever felt like Hannah? I know I have. I have looked around me and seen that others have something more than me. Heck, I’ve even felt just like Hannah where someone I deemed “unfit” got pregnant and I haven’t. Now Hannah has had it worse - her person she’s looking at is pestering her. Actually the author says that Peninnah “irritated” Hannah about it.
I picture the irritating sibling from TV shows. I think about the way Bart Simpson brings up things to Lisa because he knows she will yell and scream at him. And he knows even more that someone is going to ask Lisa why she’s so annoyed which will annoy her even more! That’s where Hannah is at.
9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house. 10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
There was someone in recent years sharing in a small group setting about being respectful to God in prayer. I agree that out of reverence to God we show respect. But I want you to read something in verse 10: “In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly.”
Out of her irritation, Hannah prays. She doesn’t hold back and wait until she’s calmed down and feeling better. Hannah approaches the throne in her deep anguish and speaks to God out of her bitterness. What I see isn’t disrespect but Hannah coming honestly.
It’s like the song by Riley Clemons called Broken Prayer. She talks about how she was taught how to talk to God in this very put together way, but that isn’t what God wants. He wants the raw emotion brought to him.
We see this in Peter’s first letter to the early Chruch in Chapter 3 (v. 8-22) when he is talking about suffering for the sake of righteousness. He describes the suffering on earth but also the suffering of Christ. And he quotes the ancient text of David’s psalm (see v. 10-12). David and Peter both testify to how God listens in our suffering.
What I take from the account of Hannah, David, and Peter is that the prayer in my suffering isn’t some “thee” and “thou” prayer that sounds sophisticated. There are times where I can say “God even in this suffering I believe you are near. Please continue to guide me through this.” And that is True and recalls God’s promises. But through their accounts I also know that I might not fully believe that andif my prayer sounds more like “What is this God?” (insert some swearing or questioning) There is no way I can get through this. I feel like I’m failing and I know You say You will take care of me, I don’t know how you can. I know in my head what Your words says but my heart right now doesn’t believe it. This is (insert your favorite 4+ letter word here) stupid,” He still hears and He doesn’t feel disrespected by my words. Actually, He appreciates that I tell Him the truth on my heart. It isn’t His Truth, but at least I’m not just saying words to “respect Him.” Rather out of my respect for Him I’m telling Him this is where I am so He can truly walk beside me (and not be held at a distance from me - by me).
So let’s reset our context on Hannah. Hannah is at the temple praying. Her husband and the rest of his family are there too but Hannah is deep in prayer.
12 As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth.13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”
15 “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
17 Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
18 She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
Nothing has changed in Hannah’s life. Her infertility still exists. But Hannah leaves differently.
Nothing changed but Hannah did.
The circumstances are the same. The suffering is the same. But Hannah’s heart isn’t.
Katie Westenberg talks through this passage in her book I Choose Brave and her response is this “The messy middle matters.”
The messy middle matters to God. The messy middle matters to us. It matters to our hearts. It matters in our prayers. It matters in getting through the other side of suffering.
Our circumstances don’t change with a prayer (they can but they don’t). Our ability to “get through it” mentally and spiritually happens through that deep anguish, raw, honest prayer and ultimately surrender to God.
James talks about this journey:
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Hannah walked like this when she left the temple that day. She considered it pure joy - chara joy. Chara joy gets defined in Scriptures in the New Testament at the table of the Last Supper. Chara joy is defined at the Eucharist - the broken meal. It’s defined not because of, but in the middle of, brokenness.
Pure joy in the brokenness. Pure joy in the messy middle. The messy middle matters.
19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her.20 So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”
Hannah got to see the other side of her suffering on this side of Heaven. She got to birth Samuel - the man that anointed David. David, the man after God’s own heart. David, the lineage of Jesus.
Hannah who didn’t let her anguish hide the truth from God. Hannah - who’s messy middle mattered. When things didn’t change, Hannah’s heart did. It changed towards God. Hannah, who walked with chara joy in brokenness.
What you’ll find in Scripture is this over and over again:
Broken people.
Honest relationship with God.
Chara joy in brokenness.
Brokenness leading to abundance.
